The Father Of Faith

30 March, 2008

Caravaggio’s Sacrifice of IsaacAbraham had been residing in the land of the Philistines for many days when the High God El decided to test him. El said to Abraham “Hey minion of mine, take your son, the only one you love (I know what you think of Ishmael really) and go the land of Moriah. Kill your child and let me smell the sweet scent of his burning flesh.”

“OK” said Abraham, keen to win the Father of the year award.

He left early in the morning, with Isaac and a couple of his boy servants. He cut the wood for the offering and went to the land of Moriah. After three days he saw a mountain and knew that it had to be the one where he was to kill his beloved child. Abraham said to the boys “You stay here, I’m going off with my son to do a bit of praying and then we’ll be back.” Abraham gave the heavy wood to Isaac to carry and they walked up the mountain.

“Phew,” said one of the boy servants, “I thought we were goners for a moment, he’s off to pray and yet doesn’t have a sacrifice, I was sure he was going to kill us!”. “Nah, ” said the other, “that would be absurd.”

Meanwhile Isaac, not always the brightest, had noticed the same thing. “Father, I can’t help but notice that there isn’t any sheep to sacrifice to El.” Abraham replied, “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, El will provide a suitable sacrifice.”

And they came to the mountain place. Abraham built the alter and arranged the wood. Then he quickly bound Isaac and put him on the alter. He raised his knife and …

Suddenly an Angel of Yahweh called to Abraham. “Wait, wait, stop! Don’t kill your child! I have seen that you were willing to do so and therefore fear the gods. Behold, a handy sheep.” And Abraham saw a ram caught in a nearby thicket. And he sacrificed the ram instead of his son, which is the way things should be when you think about it. And the Angel of Yahweh called to Abraham for a second time and said…

And The High God El said “I swear that because you did this thing and did not withhold your son that I will bless you and multiply your seed like the stars of the sky and like the sand on the shore. That’s loads by the way, you have no idea how many stars there are, seriously Abe. Your seed will possess its enemies gate (if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge), and all nations will be blessed because you listened to me.

And Abraham went back to the servants and they went to Beersheba.

[Based on the E account, italics represent REJ redactor’s part of Genesis 22]

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4 Responses to “The Father Of Faith”

  1. Daldianus Says:

    lol, more, more! 🙂

  2. Dan Says:

    In the words of Bob Dylan:

    Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
    Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”
    God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”
    God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but
    The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
    Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”
    God says, “Out on Highway 61.”

  3. popscience Says:

    Was it really called Moria(h) or are you making that up to drag the bible into pop culture? 🙂

  4. magisteria Says:

    It really was called that! Check out Genesis 22, it’s a very short story – nothing to do with dwarves delving too deep and awakening things that ought not to be awakened. Or was it…


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