A Hebrew Flood Story
15 February, 2008
Yahweh the storm God was upset. The humans had produced many fine women and the Sons of El, the high God, had descended from the sky to enjoy the delights of their flesh. These human women were very attractive to the Gods, mainly because they were the first females they had encountered that they weren’t related to. And so they frolicked, and played, and had fun, and due to having no contraception gave birth to the Nephilim, demigod heroes of renown. These heroes made a lot of noise and engaged in a lot of activity of dubious moral character. Much later people would think these Nephilim were hybrid space aliens, but this tale was long before that came fashionable. Yahweh looked down from the sky at what humanity had become, and he grieved. Their evil was filling the world, and quicker than he imagined possible thanks to the Sons of El and the Nephilim.
“I’ll wipe out these humans from the face of the earth because I regret that I made them.” With a tear in his eye he prepared to whip up a storm. Just then he saw Noah, one of Yahweh’s favourites. “Quickly, ” he said to Noah, “all of your household, get into an ark. And bring 7 pairs of every pure animal, you’ll need them later, and one pair of all the others. Bring the flying birds too.”
Noah did as Yahweh commanded, he brought everyone into the Ark, and Yahweh closed it for him. The flood came upon the earth for forty days, and the waters covered even the highest of mountains. All the animals on the ground died. Even the birds of the air died, the poor sparrow, and eagle, and hawk. Ducks survived of course and floated alongside the ark taunting their non-aquatic brethren. Then the rain was restrained and the flood waters went back from the earth. Noah opened a window and let go a dove which could not find a resting place and so returned. He waited a week and let it go again, and this time it returned with an olive branch in its mouth, and Noah was pleased. Noah hoped that a dove with an olive branch would become some sort of sign of peace after any maniacal genocide had happened. Finally after another week he released the dove again and it didn’t come back. It had either found land or just didn’t want the company of Noah any more and figured a slow lingering death was preferable to talking to the future father of humanity.
Eventually the ark came to rest on land and Noah built an alter to Yahweh. He took some of the pure animals and some of the pure birds of the air and offered sacrifices on the alter. And Yahweh smelled the pleasant smell and said “You know something, you humans are inclined to evil from when you’re young, and it’s not really your fault. Tell you what, I wont try kill all of you again in one big shot. I’ll just kill you in little doses.”
“Thank you oh mighty Yahweh!” said Noah, “and what about giving me the OK to be fruitful and multiply? And maybe show us a rainbow?”
“You’re probably thinking of another flood story to do with El.” said Yahweh. “After all, just because I have promised never again to kill everyone, doesn’t mean that some other God wont try to do just that…”
Based on the J version of the flood story contained in Genesis.